Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
