If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
4 words: hood of his car
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
