well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
