am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
