I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
