How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
