Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
