and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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