I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
