i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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