I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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