He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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