I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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