did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize