Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
