He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
