Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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