You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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