You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
