Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
