proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
