Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
