I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
