I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
