I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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