Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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