Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
