I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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