They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize