I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
