I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My feet surprised me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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