I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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