i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
