I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
