Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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