The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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