does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
