Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
