my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you guys were way drunker than both of me
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
