just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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