Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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