We're like a lot better than the average bears
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
too bad you live with your parents still
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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