Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
