I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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