woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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