Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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