I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We just shotgunned beers for America
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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