Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
