4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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