Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
