just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
