i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
