fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
