I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
