I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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