Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
