lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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