So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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