My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
