i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
